


1-Subject Notebook, College Ruled

by Sparrow (hersilentlanguage)



Category: Descendants (Disney Movies), The Isle of the Lost Series - Melissa de la Cruz
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Disorder, Anxious Carlos de Vil, Core Four as Found Family, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Free Verse, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Jay/Carlos de Vil-centric, M/M, Mental Health Issues, POV Carlos, Poetry, Swearing, United States of Auradon (Disney), if you want all the context, jaylos, long plot summary inside, malvie (background), poetry with a plot, tags are the tl;dr version
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:27:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23063206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hersilentlanguage/pseuds/Sparrow
Summary: You are logged in as:DE VIL, CARLOSSpring Term 20XX | Undergraduate | Auradon Central University1. Select the decision you regret making and clickDisappoint Best Friend.[✓]Class:CREW 104 |Description:Creative Nonfiction (Project Option)2. View the results of your request. To continue with your life, clickAccept.[✖]Error:The standard deadline for breaking a promise you made to Evie has passed. If you have been granted permission to back out, please remember why you agreed to this in the first place. When you are ready to accept that you need this outlet to deal with your semi-long-distance relationship and the fact that your boyfriend isprobablydefinitely going through some shit he’s not telling you about (for some reason), you may click your pen and continue writing.[!?]Are you sure you want to leave this page before completing your—
Relationships: Evie & Carlos de Vil, Evie/Mal (minor), Jay & Mal (Disney), Jay/Carlos de Vil, Mal & Carlos de Vil
Comments: 26
Kudos: 42





	1. #1 - #18

**Author's Note:**

> Let me just start by saying that I am _really excited_ about this poem, and the chapter count is tentative. There aren't even really "chapters," per se, but just moments where I feel like a break in the narrative can occur without hurting the overall flow of the piece. Updates will come whenever I feel confident that I won't be changing/adding to the next sequence.
> 
> **Alright, but you're probably more interested in hearing about the plot! It's LONG, but that's because this is poetry, so there's a lot "between the lines." The poem CAN be understood without this explanation (it'd just be more connect-the-dots style for ya).** So, this poem takes place in a non-magical AU where the Isle of the Lost is basically "the bad part of town." The Core Four attended Auradon Prep together as part of an outreach program. At this point, they've graduated high school, gotten a place together, and enrolled in college. (Well, everyone except for Mal, who's "figuring herself out.")
> 
> Carlos and Evie are STEM majors at Auradon Central University (not canon), which I imagine as being about halfway between Auradon City and Sherwood Forest, with the latter city being where Jay's been going to school on a sports scholarship (tourney). Jay and Carlos are dating, but since Sherwood is about 2.5 hours from where the Core Four live (30 min. from ACU), Jay has a _really long commute._ It's not always practical for him to come home given that tourney practice might go late or he has games out of the city, etc. Point being: he's not able to be home a whole lot anymore, and when he does get home, he's usually exhausted. (It was _just_ that at first, but... well, more on that later.)
> 
> At the start of the spring semester, Evie convinces Carlos to take a Creative Writing class with her as an elective. Per the project option guidelines, they're expected to explore creative nonfiction in a hands-on way. No, Carlos doesn't love the idea of doing anything _personal_ for a school project, but Evie convinces him to try journaling on the basis that the professor isn't really going to read it. They're graded on progress reports and a major reflective essay at the end of the semester (which can easily be bullshitted).
> 
> Evie's reason for journaling (and taking this project so seriously) is that she sees it as an opportunity to explore her sexuality. In this AU, she's struggled with internalized homophobia for a long time. She's currently single and trying to work up the courage to ask Mal out. Mal's openly bisexual, but Evie hasn't had "the talk" with her yet, so she's not sure if Mal knows she's gay or not. Carlos and Evie have been best friends forever, and he knows how hard it is to come out. He also knows for a fact that Mal is "secretly" hella gay for Evie, so he's very invested in helping Evie realize her happily ever after, so to speak.
> 
> MEANWHILE, Carlos has been struggling to make sense of some changes he's noticed in Jay since he went off to Sherwood. It was fine at first (the distance sucked, yeah, but it could be worse). Recently, though, with tourney season gearing up, Carlos is starting to worry about Jay. He's home even less than before, and worse, he's coming back with too-frequent (and sometimes excessive) injuries. Jay acts like it's nothing, so Carlos isn't sure what to make of it. His personal issues with mental health (i.e., the deeply-rooted fear that he'll "go crazy" like his mother) make him inclined to downplay his anxieties and bottle things up.
> 
> Evie doesn't want to meddle in their relationship, but she and Mal _have_ both noticed something is going on. It just hasn't been anything big enough to require "intervention." Ultimately, Evie figures the journal project is a great way to get Carlos to process his feelings and work up the courage to fix the broken lines of communication between him and Jay. They make kind of a pact with each other that if Carlos will do _that_ , then Evie will face up to her feelings toward Mal. And through it all, they'll talk with each other, especially if one of them feels stuck on something.
> 
> What they don't realize at the start is how _very_ right Carlos is to be so worried about Jay. Something is definitely going on, and it just so happens that Carlos' journal project is full of little clues that prove what both of them are trying to deny... whatever's happening in Sherwood, things are slowly getting worse for Jay, who's all the while still trying to be "the strong one."
> 
> **A final note: This poem is limited to Carlos' POV on everything going on. Also, there are no dates on the entries, but it's implied from narrative context that some entries are from the same day while others have small, unspecified time gaps.**
> 
> And now, without further ado...

**#1**

Okay, so let’s call this a start.  
Not something beautiful……

But Eves thinks “it could be.”

She’s under the delusion that  
I’m “emotionally constipated,”

so I guess this whole writing thing  
is supposed to be a kinda laxative?

She says I’m “not taking this seriously,”  
and that I should talk to you, not her—

BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?  
This just feels like I’m talking to myself.

_Can’t even remember why I agreed to this._

**#2**

Okay, yeah, I lied about that last thing.  
Maybe I don’t want to say it because—

It’s more than me just promising Eves  
that we’d do this together, you know?

Well, no, you don’t know, but yeah—

Yeah, I have no idea what I’m doing.

**#3**

E says I don’t have to write every day,  
which is good because I don’t want to.

It’s stupid, but I feel like I can’t breathe  
when I stare too long at the blank space.

E says I should write the things I hear—

1\. Classical music. _Supposedly_ inspiring?  
2\. Mal yelling at someone on the phone.  
3\. Rain against the windows. Rhythmic.  
4\. E turning the page of her notebook—  
5\. Text alert? Better be your ETA, fucker.

**#4**

**BlueJay, 6:21 PM:** _stuck in traffic  
_ **BlueJay, 6:21 PM:** _wish u were here_

E says your texts aren’t really poetry,  
but whatever—not like any of this is.

These are just words to fill up space.  
Kind of a way to pass your absence.

I’m aware you’re not gone  
in any permanent sense—

You’re just never here anymore.  
You know, _figuratively_ speaking.

**#5**

Can’t think what I wanna say, so……  
  
I asked E what I should write about—  
She said “something I never told you.”

And okay, I’ll admit there _are_ things.

Just, like, LITTLE things I don’t share  
—but I wouldn’t call them SECRETS?

I mean… there’s really random shit, like  
on Tuesday when I had to eat my cereal  
with ORANGE JUICE because _someone  
_(yes, you) drank all the milk again—

You’d probably think I was pissed,  
because that’s as gross as it sounds,  
but honestly? It’s kinda pathetic…

I just sat there wishing you’d forgotten  
that you were lactose intolerant so you  
could call in sick and come back to me.

YEAH, not the kind of passing fantasy  
you wanna text your boyfriend about  
first thing in the morning, but hey……

**#6**

**BlueJay, 11:11 AM:** _QUICK  
_ **BlueJay, 11:11 AM:** _MAKE A WISH_

Prereq. Decision Making Abilities 101  
_(This requirement has not been satisfied.)_

Current enrollment: Overthinking 911  
_(This requirement will never be satisfied.)_

Mal finds that SO FUNNY apparently.

I’d tell you to go fuck yourself, M—  
but aren’t you waiting for E to do it?

HEY I WRITE WHATEVER I WANT OK  
STOP READING OVER MY SHOULDER

**#7**

**BlueJay, 3:53 PM:** _babe what do u mean  
_ **BlueJay, 3:53 PM:** _we need new friends  
_ **BlueJay, 4:01 PM:** _what did u do……_

Not much of anything today.  
Just been lying here thinking.

I can _almost_ hear your voice when you text.  
It’s enough to get me through the longing.

**#8**

Sometimes,  
when you’re gone the night,  
I leave the curtains open—

There’s sun on your side of the bed  
between 11 and noon when it’s not  
cloudy. It’s almost as warm as you.

**#9**

**CONCEPT:** WE ELOPE TO SUMMERLANDS.

P.S. Your pillow still smells like dog shampoo.  
(Reminds me: you’d look hot with glasses.)

**#10**

Mal mixed up our fucking drinks tonight  
and YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

I’m in the bathroom until further notice,  
laughing like an idiot because you keep  
banging on the door, and I don’t know  
why it’s so funny that you _“gotta go”  
_but maybe it’s something like—

THE ONE DAMN TIME  
I can stop you from going  
you’re not trying to leave.

**#11**

~~I’M POSITIVE.  
~~I’m undecided.

_~~Something’s wrong.  
~~ _ ~~It’s getting better.~~

~~It’s getting worse.  
~~I’M getting worse.

**#12**

I can’t stop thinking about yesterday,  
when you turned around at the door,  
and I thought you forgot your keys—

but then you kissed me so damn hard  
that you split your lip right back open

and I just realized you never told me  
how it’d happened the first time……

**#13**

Thing is, more I’m thinking about it,  
I can’t remember if I said it back to you  
when you told me _I could tell you anything._

**#14**

Do I just…… love you better with the lights off?  
_Have I been trying to think of this in that same way?_

Like, maybe if you’re not listening, then—  
I can say everything I want to keep to myself.

_But does that even make sense?_ I don't know.  
GOD I HOPE YOU NEVER READ THIS GARBAGE.

**#15**

E says this project “isn’t garbage.”  
She doesn’t want me to quit on it.

I didn’t say I was going to quit—  
I just feel like— I don’t know, like,  
we’re putting make-up on corpses.

‘MAKE ART FROM YOUR PAIN.’  
Isn’t art supposed to be beautiful?

Maybe I’m missing the point.  
(E says I just miss you………)

**#16**

You’re always losing your phone.  
I shouldn’t worry you didn’t call.

You’re probably busy. Probably.  
_~~It’s been three days.~~_ You’re busy.

**#17**

FIVE THINGS I CAN SEE:

• Chem notes I should be studying  
• The cat trying to drink my coffee…  
• Some books I borrowed from Evie  
• Your medals, ribbons, and trophies  
• This sad attempt to _stop obsessing._

**#18**

**Unknown, 3:26 PM:** _hey babe  
_**Unknown, 3:26 PM:** _save this number_  
**Unknown, 3:27 PM:** _lost my phone again  
_**Unknown, 3:27 PM:** _had you texted??_


	2. #19 - #29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the beautiful comments on Part 1, everyone! I'm really excited to know people are enjoying this. <3
> 
> **Heads up: Anxiety/panic attack CW specifically for #23. Please check the end notes for details (if you don't mind spoilers).**

**#19**

Easier said than done  
to say anything at all

when  
_what I need to say_ _is_  
WE NEED TO TALK

and  
_what I want to say is  
_KISS ME QUIET—

**#20**

God, I’m a fucking mess,  
but I can’t stop laughing.

There’s NOT A WORD of this  
that sounds like poetry to me.

I’ve been reading back,  
trying to find what I’m  
getting out of this—

and I know Evie says  
we don’t have to write  
like dead white men  
to be poets, but—

holy shit,  
you’ll never read this  
in a book _for a reason._

**#21**

Tell me I’m wrong,  
and it’s not where  
we came from—

Tell me that ISN’T WHY  
the coffee tastes like spit,  
and your tires were just  
slashed for _the 3rd time._

JAY, TELL ME I’M WRONG  
and we fucking belong here,  
that I just need to stop being  
so. god. damn. CYNICAL—

**#22**

**BlueJay, 8:07 AM:** _you know how it is Los_  
**BlueJay, 8:07 AM:** _they're not gonna do shit_

**#23**

Mal’s driving to Sherwood.  
The weather looks bad……

I can’t stop thinking about—  
what if something happened?

Or, like, if something _happens,  
_because you asked her to—

Well, because _it’d be my fault._

Because you wanna be here.  
Because _I want you to be here._

I don’t like to think about—

No, I _hate_ to think about life  
without you in it, Jay. _I can’t._

I can’t. I’m sorry.  
This is stupid…

I should be studying.

**#24**

PROMPT: The Five Senses*  
_*if we’re not being scientific_

E says we’re not because,  
apparently, I “need a break  
from studying” _(apparently)._

ANYWAY.

It’s pouring rain out,  
so I can’t really see much  
through the windows, but—

I can hear the thunder rolling,  
kind of almost feel the house shake.

I can touch the sweater you gave me  
—or, okay, the sweater you let me steal,  
but same difference. (It smells like you.)

And last…… I can taste the tea I’m drinking.  
Tastes like mint and cloves and orange spice,  
and reminds me of that party when you—

NEVERMIND. _That’s our secret._

 **#25**

**BlueJay, 6:45 PM:** _hey hello my lover  
_ **BlueJay, 6:45 PM:** _u wanna go out  
_ **BlueJay, 6:45 PM:** _like on a date  
_ **BlueJay, 6:46 PM:** _like now_

**#26**

TONIGHTTONIGHTTONIGHT

JAY, you should have seen yourself  
under those fucking street lights—

with the whole damn sky above you,  
and the sweat-glow on your face, and  
the way the trees looked turquoise—?

_I think I’m finally understanding poetry._

**#27**

**BlueJay, 9:36 AM:** _morning angel  
_ **BlueJay, 9:36 AM:** _miss you already_

JAY, YOU CAN’T JUST…  
_SAY THINGS LIKE THAT._

_~~I’m in fucking class right now.~~ _

**#28**

GOD, you’re so damn distracting  
even when you’re not around—

I had to borrow notes from Evie,  
and she’s been looking at me like,  
_you know…_ the way we look at _her  
_when she’s looking at Mal, and—

It’s ridiculous. ~~I hate all of you.~~

**#29**

**BlueJay, 11:59 PM:** _I LOVE YOU  
_ **BlueJay, 11:59 PM:** _caps intended_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **CW for #23:** I've previously mentioned that anxiety/panic would be a heavy theme throughout, but I wanted to add a special note for anyone who might be sensitive to the darker-than-usual implications of #23. Two things here: 1) It's suggested that Carlos is deeply anxious about Mal getting into a car accident because of the weather. 2) His thinking trails into a very open-ended anxiety about death (and specifically what it'd be like if Jay died, and how bad it'd be if Carlos was to blame for it). These thoughts have no basis in the actual reality of the poem/plot (please refer to: #Angst With A Happy Ending), BUT if you think reading about these things from Carlos' POV might trigger you, then _please_ note the hashtags and skip over #23.


	3. #30 - #39

**#30**

E says she’s going out  
with Mal tonight, but  
“NOT LIKE THAT.”

They’re just going out  
for groceries, y’know?  
Like we used to do—

And she’s right, I guess,  
it’s nothing intimate……

(It doesn’t have to be.)

Yeah, sounds dumb, admitting it—  
but I guess I’m just trying to say that,  
you know, _I miss the little things,_ like…

your dirty jokes in the produce aisle—  
and the way you’d flirt with the baker  
to get me free cookies when they said  
I just “didn’t look twelve enough…”

(which, _by the way,_ WAS a compliment).

But yeah, it’s… been a while since you  
got us banned from that one place for  
making me push you in the cart, so…

Maybe they don’t remember our faces,  
or the way you were always smiling—  
the way you’d NEVER stop, even when  
I said _you're so fucking embarrassing._

 ~~Jay, you don’t smile like you used to.~~ *

**#31**

*Wait, no, not what I meant—  
because thinking about it more,  
(and E said she’s noticed it, too):

Jay, it’s—you’re smiling EXACTLY like you used to……  
like when we were two hopeless fucking kids on the Isle,  
like when it wasn’t safe for us to even _think_ we might be

who we are,  
TOGETHER.

And Jay, I don’t get it. I don’t understand.  
Because it kinda feels like—I don’t know,  
like you’re fighting for something that…

I thought we’d won already?  
I thought we’d survived it…

**#32**

The time changed today.  
I lost you an hour earlier.

Sounds kind of beautiful  
when I put it like that—

Does that make it poetry?  
 _Does that make it hurt less?_

**#33**

We should get rid of the couch.  
Maybe you’d use the bed more.

Yeah, I know you’re tired. _I know.  
_ But you used to watch the movie.

And you used to carry me upstairs  
just because _you could._ Remember?

**#34**

Been kinda cold at night.  
I can’t wait for summer…

**#35**

TRUTH IS: I heard you this morning  
when you said goodbye, and then…

You left me that note on your pillow.

TRUTH IS: I didn’t WANT to say bye,  
because when you’re going so long  
and so far from me, doesn’t it just  
kinda feel to you like closure  
when we both say it?

**#36**

_“Hey, it’s not forever…”_

God, please don’t say that.  
Please don’t fucking say that.

_It doesn’t sound how it’s supposed to._

**#37**

LOOK, I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR BETTER WORDS,  
BUT THE TRUTH IS I’M SAD AND STRESSED OUT,  
AND I HATE THAT I’M NOT HAPPIER FOR YOU—

WHY THE HELL AREN’T YOU ANGRY WITH ME?  
JAY, YOU SHOULD BE SO FUCKING ANGRY…….

**#38**

E’s opinion is that I’m angry at _myself,  
_ and that you’re _not,_ so (supposedly)—

OK! I lost where I was going with that,  
‘cause she keeps giving me The Look.*

*(You know the one.)

She says there isn’t a “look.” HAH—

**#39**

E stole my pen, and I guess…  
we kinda talked about things,  
and about YOU, and about—

Well, it was all you, to be honest.

But I won’t say “all good things,”  
because in case you ever read this  
(and _assuming_ I don’t kill you for it),  
I think you’d enjoy a bit of mystery…

No, I’m kidding. It’s more like—  
 _Do you think you can just trust me?_


	4. #40-#49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Important Note on Formatting:** So far unique to just this chapter, I’ve woven in a few parts that are NOT part of Carlos’ journal. These parts are not numbered, but rather indicated by dividers in the text. They are placed chronologically (i.e., they occur somewhere between the parts of the poem they sit between) and are written to interact with the flow of the poem.
> 
> You'll also notice some “blackout” starting halfway through this part. These are lines that Carlos hasn’t just “crossed out,” but effectively erased with a Sharpie. Future chapters may feature some blackout as well, though likely not to this degree.
> 
> **As always, please check the chapter end notes for chap-specific CW (may contain spoilers).**

#40

Rain again.

You haven’t called yet.

I know you will,  
but I still think—

what if you don’t?

#41

(Still nothing.)

I’m trying to remember  
the last thing I said to you.

Checked my phone just now  
and apparently it wasn’t even  
_“goodbye,”_ it was just… _“okay!”_

—and that’s it. That’s IT.

 _That’s_ the last thing I’d have  
said to you if—you know…

_If._

Makes me want to text _“I love you,”_  
except you’d think who-knows-what,  
because… I don’t usually “just say that.”

But maybe I should.

Maybe if I said it more,  
for _every_ reason, you’d—

Nevermind. Got interrupted…  
Don’t feel like writing anymore.

You called. That’s what matters.

#——————————————————————

**(1) New Voicemail**  
**from: UNKNOWN**

_‘Yeah, hi… been trying to reach Jay..._  
_Can’t get through to him, you know?_  
_So... got your number off a guy, says_  
_you’re Jay’s… friend, right? Duval?_

_I’m playing! Listen, Carlos, tell Jay,_  
_uh, that I called you, just saying hi,_  
_and… have him call me back, yeah?_

_Thanks. I’ll leave my num—’_

[End of message.]

———————————————————————

#42

Okay, kind of abrupt, uh…  
I tore out a couple pages.

Some things don’t feel right  
to talk about without you,  
but at the same time……

I can’t pretend like  
I don’t think about ▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
(you know what I mean).

Gotta put it down _somewhere._  
Trying not to let it eat at me.

You said it’s nothing, yeah.  
I’m trying to believe that…

I’m PROBABLY overthinking.  
~~(That’s what _you_ think, right?)~~

Might not be wrong.

#——————————————————————

 **Unknown, 3:05 AM:** _Message not received_  
**Unknown, 4:04 AM:** _Message not received_

———————————————————————

#43

~~Another page ripped out. Bad habit?~~

Class is done, so doesn’t _really_ matter  
what I do with this thing anymore—  
or if I even keep writing…

_Why the hell am I still writing?_

Don’t know.

Guess it’s something to do  
that doesn’t feel destructive.

Not _sure_ that makes sense—?

E’s said it doesn’t have to,  
how that’s kinda the point.

“Be free! No judgement!”  
_(Me,_ sarcastic? Prove it.)

No, seriously, I get it. I do.

She’s never looked happier…  
Even Mal’s been smiling more.

It makes me miss you that much harder.  
But hey, I’m happy for them, you know?

Might not be _fate,_ but it’s definitely love.

(Yeah—yup—I wrote that—  
It’s fucking sappy. Whatever.)

#——————————————————————

 **Unknown, 8:00 PM:** _Message now received_

———————————————————————

#44

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

#45

 **BlueJay, 9:11 PM:** _babe you know I love you_  
**BlueJay, 9:11 PM:** _but you worry 2 much_  
**BlueJay, 9:12 PM:** _its just a sprain ok_  
**BlueJay, 9:12 PM:** _occupational hazard_

“Just a sprain” you didn’t tell me about.

#46

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

#47

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
and you can’t keep saying _“it’s nothing”_  
like you’re asking me to forget,  
because

~~_(get this through your skull already)_ ~~

YOU’RE not _nothing_ to me, OK?

If I’m ““overreacting,”” I DON’T CARE—  
IT DOESN’T CHANGE THE FACT THAT  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

#48

You’re black and blue like a Jaybird,  
sprouting all those feathers again—

Wish you wouldn’t try to hide them.

I can feel the bumps when we touch,  
_and I know what cut wings feel like, Jay._

We’re not going back ~~there~~ to that.  
WE PROMISED EACH OTHER—

#49

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
so don’t ask her to keep your secrets,  
because I know _you know_ I KNOW—

We’re not talking tourney anymore  
when I ask you what happened  
and you tell me you’re “fine.”

Jay… that wasn’t the question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are always appreciated. I'd love to hear your thoughts, but no pressure! <3
> 
> P.S. There's a short auxiliary part (a text exchange between Jay and Mal) that occurs between #41 and #42. If you'd like to read it, [you can find it here on my Tumblr](https://hersilentlanguage.tumblr.com/post/612505017190072320/1-subject-notebook-college-ruled-ao3-an-this) (@hersilentlanguage). There's a "read more" break to hide potential spoilers that may not show up via the post's permalink, so please stop reading where it says "Reminder: (...)" if you'd like to avoid spoilers. :)
> 
>  **CW (spoiler alert):** There’s some dark implications born of anxiety in #41. No basis in reality, just some “what if” concerns that may be unsettling to some readers. This part of the poem also contains implications of virtual stalking/harassment (nothing graphic), implications of physical abuse and violence, and also an underlying tone of paranoia and anxiety from the POV character (Carlos). Lastly, there is an overall feeling of emotional volatility in this part of the poem due to stress and implied arguments.


	5. #50 - #63

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long wait on this one! There's been a lot going on and I wasn't too keen to write the angst required to move this plot along, so I tried doing something that would have been less heavy, but it didn't feel at all right for this. Anyway, suffice to say this is probably the heaviest part of the poem so far? It does end on a hopeful note, but there's a lottt going on with the boys in-between this and that. I hope you'll... enjoy? Maybe? ~~That's definitely not the right word for the angst I'm serving. Ah well.~~
> 
>  **Detailed CW in the end notes (contains spoilers). General CW for:** _swearing, implied homophobia, mental health degradation, discussion of disassociation, extreme stress, and heavy implications of fighting with SO._

#50

 **BlueJay, 7:21 PM:** _dude can I call you later  
_ **BlueJay, 7:22 PM:** _can’t really answer atm_

I shouldn’t be wondering why, or who you’re with,  
or if you changed my nickname on your phone—

(I was never your “angel,” _anyway,  
_but whatever, that’s not the point.)

You used to call me _dude_ in front of your dad—  
_God, I let you call me worse when he got suspicious._

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
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#51

I don’t want to think—  
I don’t want to. _I don’t._

I DON’T CARE who says  
you’re cheating, except  
for the fact that they  
fucking said it  
about you.

They really think they know  
“your type” (and it isn’t me),  
but they don’t know YOU—

#52

~~‘Cause you don’t call them back either.~~

#53

 **BlueJay, 11:01 PM:** _sorry… I fell asleep  
_**BlueJay, 11:01 PM:** _are you still awake?_

Yeah.

Don’t feel like talking.  
But I guess I kinda do  
since I’m writing—

Turned my read receipts off.  
Don’t know if you’d noticed.

Maybe I want you to feel a bit like I do  
—like you can talk yourself breathless  
and _never know if I’m fucking listening._

Maybe that’s cruel and  
you don’t deserve that.

_I’m sorry._

I should be better than this.  
I should be better.  
I should be.

_But I’m not._

#54

 **BlueJay, 6:18 PM:** _Los………  
_**BlueJay, 6:19 PM:** _I’m worried about you_

~~Doesn’t feel good, does it?~~

#55

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

#56

Yeah, so weird thing happened—

I think M was trying to hug me today.  
(Definitely something with her arms.)

Look, I don’t know what the hell you told her,  
but it’s like she thinks I’m made of glass now,  
so thanks for getting her up my ass, dude—

~~Didn’t exactly fill the goddamn void of you.~~

#57

I’m sorry. ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ feeling sick ▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ again.

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

#58

Mal says you’re not yourself  
and don’t take it personally.

(I don’t think I’m me either.)

I keep thinking about this thing  
I might have read in a bathroom  
or, like, the side of a bus maybe?

Might be something I dreamt—

_“Are we more than just surviving?”_

#59

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

~~I don’t want to have meant that.~~

#60

Today on “there’s words for things,”  
turns out there’s one for that feeling  
like you’re living in a puppet show:

 **Disassociation,** _noun  
_/ diss • association /

1 : Not as cool as pronounced—  
_especially_ : not when experienced.

2 : I think I know the feeling of it  
more than I know what the fuck  
I mean by trying to explain it—

3 : but if I was gonna try anyway,  
I guess it’s like how sometimes  
when I’m writing, it feels like  
my hand’s just moving—

and

 _I don’t have a choice,  
_but if I did, I think

I’d want to reach out,  
try to hold your hand  
like when we were  
stupid kids

and

I wasn’t _always pushing you away  
_or trying to tell myself  
_you want that._

 _You must want that._

Isn’t that why you’re  
a thousand miles away  
tonight and tomorrow, and  
_why you never really come home?_

~~It doesn’t count unless you stay.~~

#61

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬  
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

God, how did it get this bad?

#62

~~My fault my fault my fault.~~

#63

Books. Tea. Music. Blanket.  
Cat. Pen. Notebook. Cookies.

Two shoes by the door. Couch.  
Hand. E’s hand, fingers, polish:  
_ocean blue._ Handwriting (to you).

I am writing.

Breathe. Think—  
Breathe. Think _clearly._

We’re not okay,  
but we will be.

(E says that’s a positive mantra.)

WE ARE NOT OKAY, _but we will be._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are always appreciated. I'd love to hear your thoughts, but no pressure! <3
> 
> Find me on Tumblr for lots more Descendants content or just to say hello! [@hersilentlanguage](http://hersilentlanguage.tumblr.com)
> 
>  **CW (spoilers):** swearing (angrily, not casually); implied homophobia (minor - referencing the past and specifically Jay's father being homophobic); mental health degradation (Carlos' mental health is heavily implied to be degrading from extreme stress); discussion of disassociation (specifically #60, where it's stated outright); and heavy implications of fighting with SO (no fights are written out, but the narrative alludes to serious problems between Jay and Carlos as a result of Jay's continued secrecy and increasingly long stays away from home; there's one mention of cheating related to this, referring to the fact that other people are gossiping about them).


End file.
